英文原文
There’s a psychological lens that can explain why some workplace conversations flow and others derail; why some meetings energise, while others leave people defensive, withdrawn, or reactive. It’s the concept of ego states, from Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis, and it offers a powerful, practical tool for improving how we lead, collaborate, and communicate.
At its core, the ego state model explains that we operate from one of three internal states at any moment: Parent, Adult, or Child. These are not roles or personality types, they are psychological positions, and we move between them fluidly throughout the day, often without realising it.
Let’s explore how each state shows up in business, and how to work with them more deliberately.
The Three Ego States: A Practical Overview
1. The Parent
This state draws from the rules, values, and norms we internalised early in life, often from authority figures. In the workplace, it can show up in two forms:
* Critical Parent: Directive, judgemental, and often rigid. It may sound like: “That’s not how we do things here.”, * Nurturing Parent: Supportive, encouraging, but can unintentionally become rescuing. It may sound like: “Don’t worry, I’ll sort it out for you.”,
Risk: When overused, the Parent state can create dependency or fear-based compliance. Strength: When used well, it offers structure, wisdom, and protection.
2. The Adult
This is the data-driven, present-focused part of us that evaluates situations logically, seeks clarity, and makes decisions based on current reality.
It’s neutral, curious, and emotionally regulated, and it’s where we want most professional conversations to take place.
It may sound like:
“Let’s look at what’s happening and figure out the next step.”
Risk: The Adult state can become disengaged or overly analytical if disconnected from emotional context.
Strength: Essential for decision-making, problem-solving, and healthy leadership.
3. The Child
This state captures our emotional responses, creativity, and spontaneity, but also our fears, insecurities, and rebellion.
It also has two faces:
* Free Child: Curious, imaginative, and expressive. The source of innovation., * Adapted Child: Either compliant (people-pleasing) or defiant (passive-aggressive, reactive).,
It may sound like:
“I can’t believe they didn’t consult me... again.”
“What if we tried something completely different?”
Risk: The Child can derail collaboration when driven by unmet needs or fear of authority. Strength: It's a vital source of authenticity, creativity, and emotional resonance.
A Short Hero’s Journey: From Reaction to Response
Marcus was a high-performing Head of Operations; efficient, strategic, and known for “getting things done.” But his team had a problem: people walked on eggshells around him. Talented staff left. Others disengaged. The feedback from a recent engagement survey was clear: “Marcus doesn’t listen; he decides.”
At first, Marcus dismissed it. “They’re just resistant to high standards,” he told himself (a classic Critical Parent frame). But after losing yet another capable team member, he agreed to coaching.
Through that process, Marcus began to recognise a pattern: whenever pressure spiked, he reverted to control. His tone became sharper. His tolerance for ambiguity vanished. What looked like leadership was, in reality, a reactive blend of Critical Parent and Adapted Child; an internal battle between wanting control and fearing chaos.
The turning point came in a product crisis. Instead of giving orders, he paused. He asked questions. He acknowledged the team’s stress and focused on facts. For the first time, his team saw him lead from his Adult state; calm, curious, collaborative.
Afterward, someone quietly said, “You gave us space to think this time. It made all the difference.”
Marcus underwent a transformation: from authority figure to responsive leader. And that made all the difference.
Practical Steps to Work with Ego States
1. Increase Awareness
Start noticing not just what is being said, but how it’s being said. Is the tone directive, inquisitive, emotional, withdrawn?
Ask yourself:
* “Which ego state is speaking right now?”, * “What state am I responding from?”,
This alone can defuse tension and bring clarity.
2. Choose to Lead from the Adult
As a leader, your goal should be to model the Adult ego state; grounded, responsive, and present. This doesn’t mean being emotionally flat; it means balancing empathy with clarity, and curiosity with action.
Responding from the Adult State invites others to meet you there.
3. Identify Triggers and Patterns
Ego state shifts are often triggered under stress, uncertainty, or conflict.
Ask:
* “When do I tend to slip into Critical Parent or Adapted Child?”, * “Who or what tends to pull me out of my Adult state?”,
Identifying these patterns helps you build self-regulation and resilience; essential traits for high-trust leadership.
4. Develop Team Literacy
Helping your team understand ego states can reduce blame and increase insight. Teams that learn to observe how they’re interacting, not just what they’re doing, tend to self-correct faster, engage more openly, and recover more quickly from breakdowns.
Closing Reflection for the Week
As you enter your next conversation, especially the tricky ones, ask:
“Am I responding from Parent, Adult, or Child?”
And then pause to choose. Awareness of ego states makes you a better collaborator, coach, and human being.
Let me know in the comments; which ego state do you find yourself operating from most often at work? And what helps you shift into Adult when it matters most?
中文翻译
有一种心理学视角可以解释为什么一些职场对话顺畅而另一些却脱轨；为什么一些会议充满活力，而另一些却让人变得防御、退缩或反应过度。这就是自我状态的概念，源自埃里克·伯恩的沟通分析心理学，它提供了一个强大而实用的工具，用于改善我们的领导、协作和沟通方式。
本质上，自我状态模型解释了我们在任何时刻都从三种内在状态之一运作：父母、成人或儿童。这些不是角色或人格类型，而是心理位置，我们在一天中流畅地在它们之间切换，常常没有意识到。
让我们探讨每种状态在商业中如何表现，以及如何更有意识地处理它们。
三种自我状态：实用概述
1. 父母状态
这种状态源于我们早年从权威人物那里内化的规则、价值观和规范。在职场中，它可以表现为两种形式：
* 批判性父母：指令性、评判性且常常僵化。听起来可能像：“这不是我们这里的做事方式。”， * 养育性父母：支持性、鼓励性，但可能无意中变成救援。听起来可能像：“别担心，我会帮你解决。”，
风险：过度使用时，父母状态可能导致依赖或基于恐惧的顺从。优势：运用得当，它提供结构、智慧和保护。
2. 成人状态
这是我们数据驱动、关注当下的部分，它逻辑地评估情况，寻求清晰度，并根据当前现实做出决策。
它是中立、好奇且情绪调节的，我们希望大多数专业对话在这里发生。
听起来可能像：
“让我们看看发生了什么，并找出下一步。”
风险：如果脱离情感背景，成人状态可能变得疏离或过度分析。优势：对于决策、问题解决和健康领导至关重要。
3. 儿童状态
这种状态捕捉我们的情感反应、创造力和自发性，但也包括我们的恐惧、不安全感和叛逆。
它也有两面：
* 自由儿童：好奇、富有想象力和表达力。创新的源泉。， * 适应儿童：要么顺从（讨好他人），要么反抗（被动攻击、反应过度）。，
听起来可能像：
“我不敢相信他们又没有咨询我...又一次。”
“如果我们尝试完全不同的东西呢？”
风险：当由未满足的需求或对权威的恐惧驱动时，儿童状态可能破坏协作。优势：它是真实性、创造力和情感共鸣的重要来源。
一个简短的英雄之旅：从反应到回应
马库斯是一位高绩效的运营主管；高效、战略性强，以“完成任务”而闻名。但他的团队有一个问题：人们在他周围如履薄冰。有才华的员工离开了。其他人疏远了。最近一次参与度调查的反馈很明确：“马库斯不听；他决定。”
起初，马库斯不以为然。“他们只是抗拒高标准，”他告诉自己（典型的批判性父母框架）。但在失去另一位有能力的团队成员后，他同意接受辅导。
通过这个过程，马库斯开始认识到一个模式：每当压力飙升时，他就回归控制。他的语气变得尖锐。他对模糊性的容忍度消失了。看似领导力的东西，实际上是批判性父母和适应儿童的反应性混合；一种想要控制和害怕混乱的内在斗争。
转折点出现在一次产品危机中。他没有下达命令，而是暂停。他提问。他承认团队的压力并专注于事实。第一次，他的团队看到他以成人状态领导；冷静、好奇、协作。
之后，有人轻声说：“这次你给了我们思考的空间。这改变了一切。”
马库斯经历了一次转变：从权威人物到响应式领导者。这改变了一切。
处理自我状态的实用步骤
1. 提高意识
开始注意不仅说了什么，还有如何说的。语气是指令性、探究性、情感性还是退缩的？
问自己：
* “现在哪个自我状态在说话？”， * “我从哪个状态回应？”，
仅此就可以缓解紧张并带来清晰度。
2. 选择从成人状态领导
作为领导者，你的目标应该是示范成人自我状态；接地气、响应式且在场。这并不意味着情感平淡；而是平衡同理心与清晰度，好奇心与行动。
从成人状态回应邀请他人与你相遇。
3. 识别触发因素和模式
自我状态转变通常在压力、不确定性或冲突下触发。
问：
* “我什么时候倾向于滑入批判性父母或适应儿童？”， * “谁或什么倾向于把我拉出成人状态？”，
识别这些模式帮助你建立自我调节和韧性；高信任领导力的关键特质。
4. 发展团队素养
帮助你的团队理解自我状态可以减少责备并增加洞察力。学会观察他们如何互动，而不仅仅是他们在做什么的团队，往往能更快自我纠正，更开放地参与，并从崩溃中更快恢复。
本周结束反思
当你进入下一次对话，尤其是棘手的对话时，问：
“我是从父母、成人还是儿童状态回应？”
然后暂停选择。对自我状态的意识让你成为更好的协作者、教练和人。
在评论中告诉我；你在工作中最常从哪个自我状态运作？什么帮助你在最重要时切换到成人状态？
文章概要
本文基于沟通分析心理学理论，探讨了自我状态（父母、成人、儿童）在职场中的应用，特别聚焦于成人自我状态如何影响沟通。文章通过理论解释和案例研究（如马库斯的转变），阐述了成人状态在促进逻辑决策、减少冲突和增强团队协作中的作用，并提供了提高意识、领导示范、识别触发因素和发展团队素养等实用步骤，旨在帮助读者改善职场互动和领导效能。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容：想象一下，你在学校或家里，有时候你会像大人一样冷静地思考问题，有时候会像爸爸妈妈一样告诉别人该怎么做，有时候又会像小孩子一样闹情绪。这篇文章说，在工作中，如果我们能多像大人那样，用事实和逻辑来聊天，而不是动不动就批评或发脾气，大家就能更好地一起做事，就像马库斯后来做的那样，他的团队变得更开心了。
TA沟通分析心理学理论评价：本文精准运用了沟通分析心理学的自我状态理论，特别是强调了成人自我状态在职场沟通中的核心作用。通过区分父母、成人和儿童状态，文章展示了成人状态如何作为理性、中立的平台，促进有效交易和减少心理游戏。案例中马库斯从批判性父母和适应儿童的混合状态转向成人状态，体现了自我状态的动态调整和“我好-你好”的生活位置，这符合伯恩理论中健康沟通的基础。文章没有引入其他心理学框架，纯粹基于TA理论，突出了成人状态在实现自主性和亲密关系中的价值。
在实践上可以应用的领域和可以解决人们的十个问题：应用领域包括职场领导力培训、团队建设、冲突调解、个人发展辅导、组织文化优化、沟通技能提升、压力管理、会议效率提高、员工参与度增强和心理健康促进。可以解决的十个问题：1. 减少职场中的误解和争吵；2. 帮助领导者做出更明智的决策；3. 提升团队协作和信任水平；4. 缓解员工因压力而产生的情绪反应；5. 改善会议氛围，避免无效讨论；6. 增强个人的自我意识和情绪调节能力；7. 降低员工流失率，通过更好的沟通留住人才；8. 促进创新思维，鼓励自由儿童状态的表达；9. 解决上下级之间的权力动态问题；10. 培养高情商的工作环境，支持整体福祉。