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Dealing with difficult clients (and opponents): the Parent-Adult-Child model — Luke Menzies Coaching
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Luke Menzies PCC, CPQC, CertPsychCoach
Mar 2
Mar 2 Dealing with difficult clients (and opponents): the Parent-Adult-Child model
Luke Menzies
Coaching lawyers, Stress management, Resilience
Building on what I’ve discussed in my previous dealing with difficult clients blogs, I’d now like to introduce you to Eric Berne’s Parent-Adult-Child model.
Like the Drama Triangle, the Parent-Adult-Child model is a fascinating and incredibly helpful way for us to think about interactions we have with other people which dissolve into conflict or unpleasantness, and understand more about what was going on in that conversation ‘beneath the surface’. This then allows us to spot the same pattern happening again in future conversations, and helps us learn to reduce or avoid the same sorts of repeating patterns of argument and conflict in future.
For those of us in challenging client/customer-facing roles, our gaining this depth of understanding can significantly increase our resilience in our work. Plus, we can take the knowledge home with us too!
Berne’s theory is that we each have three main ways of thinking and responding to the world around us and other people in particular. He called these our ego states. He saw us as each having three natural ego stages: Parent, Adult and Child.
Here is a very brief introduction to each of these states.
Parent
Our Parent ego state is the frame of mind we’re in when we say or do something parental. It may be a nurturing parental comment or a controlling parental comment. Most conversations involving conflict involve the controlling Parent ego state: for example, I tell you off for doing something I don’t like. But if we find ourselves giving in to poor behaviour, we might be in the nurturing Parent ego state: for example, mollycoddling the badly behaving person or letting them get away with their unreasonable behaviour.
Child
Our Child ego state is the frame of mind we’re in when we say or do something childlike. It may be a ‘good child’ thing or a ‘naughty child’ thing. When in dispute with someone else, it tends to be our naughty Child ego state that’s in play. Here, we tend to behave spontaneously according to our needs and feelings - childishly. For example, being angry, attacking, disobedient, rude, provocative or sulky.
Adult
Things always go better for us in a conversation that is one of conflict (or liable to move into conflict) if we can avoid stepping into our Parent or Child ego state band instead be in our Adult state. In ‘Adult’, we can say and do healthy, calm, grown-up things. We can do so because we’re not hijacked by either overly parental thoughts and feelings, or childlike responses. It is where the phrase “adult-to-adult conversation” comes from.
When we speak from our Child ego state, the other person in the conversation has three options. They may respond from their ‘Parent’, often admonishing us for what we’ve just said. Or they may respond from their ‘Child’, which might be responding to our rudeness/anger/attack/sarcasm with their own rudeness/anger/attack/sarcasm. But, if we’re lucky, they may be able to respond from their ‘Adult’, in which they manage to provide us with a measured, mature response that will de-escalate the conflict that may be creeping into the conversation. (Think of the Adult state as how a judge might approach a legal decision or ensure a trial runs smoothly and fairly.)
The antidote for us is to have an eye open to what’s happening in terms of this model, beneath the surface of an interaction, and doing our best to only respond from our ‘Adult’ self, rather than our ‘Parent’ or ‘Child’.
Here are some examples based on being the legal profession.
Client in Child ego state
A lawyer’s client might moan and groan about their situation in an “it’s not fair!” sort of way. That will be them in their Child ego state. In response, their lawyer might find themselves responding from nurturing ‘Parent’, along the lines of “oh poor you, I will sort it all out, I will rescue you, never fear”.
But solving the situation might in fact might be outside of the lawyer’s power, leading to more unhappiness and perhaps eventually a complaint.
Often, a better response from the lawyer might be found if they can respond from their ‘Adult’, along the lines of “I recognise this is a really difficult situation for you. I promise you I’m doing all I can, but I may not be able to give you everything you want”.
Opponent in Parent ego state
In a court case, a lawyer’s opponent might say in a phone call or letter something like “You’ve got this all wrong, you don’t understand the law, you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re being ridiculous”, etc. This is sadly very common, despite it not being very professional. The opponent is speaking/writing from their controlling ‘Parent’ mode.
How might the other lawyer respond to this? Being only human, we might well initially respond (even if only inside our head) from our ‘Child’, feeling hurt and perhaps angry at such treatment. Every lawyer has been there, especially early in our career before we’ve grown a thicker skin to this sort of bullying behaviour. We might then say or write something rude, aggressive or sarcastic back, responding from our ‘Child’ in turn (this is very common and can lead to very expensive legal cases where only the lawyers ‘win’ in the end). Or we might respond from our controlling ‘Parent’ state, ticking off our opponent for their words and seeking to correct (or lecture) them (again, often leading to more calls or letters while we argue it out).
But the most healthy and ultimately best way to respond to such behaviour is to respond from our ‘Adult’, and do our best not to engage in the little row that our opponent appears to want to have with us. (Pick your battles!) Instead, we can either say or do very little in response (often a superb way to respond) or just calmly and simply state our own client’s needs or position and leave it there.
My own experience today
I did my best to channel my ‘Adult’ today, when I wrote a reply to an opposing solicitor’s provocative email (them wanting to go over old arguments again) with the words “We have already set out our client’s position on this, and we have nothing further to add.” I will admit that my ‘Child’ initially came up with a “F*** you!” response inside my head. I’m only human. And then I noticed a ‘Parent’ voice suggesting that I should reply along the lines of “How many times have we made it clear that....?” But eventually my ‘Adult’ state won the day.
And it was this realisation that made me want to write this blog today.
Summary
So whenever you are dealing with any situation involving argument, dispute or conflict (verbal or written), try to allow yourself the opportunity to take a breath, step back for a moment and look at what’s going on ‘beneath the surface’ of this interaction, through the lens of Parent-Adult-Child.
Could anyone be said to be scolding or laying down the law (Parent) to the other? Is anyone moaning, goading, attacking or being rude (Child) to the other? Or is a genuine Adult-to-Adult interaction taking place?
If the other person sounds as if they’re being a bit parental or childlike, try to avoid taking the bait and slipping into your own Parent or Child mode. Instead, stick to simple, calm statements of your needs and your position. Stick to being the Adult in the conversation.
The good news is that playing the Adult tends to be contagious. You tend to get more Adult responses in return. And that’s what we all want, really.
If you found this blog useful, be sure to read my other blogs on dealing with clients: Dealing with difficult clients: the secret to being resilient, Dealing with difficult clients: the Drama Triangle and Dealing with difficult clients: the Drama Triangle (part 2).
Like to talk?
If you’d like to talk about your own situation, I’d love to hear from you. Find me at www.lukemenziescoaching.com. Come and have a free, no-commitment Chemistry Session with me, where we can start to unpack some of this for you and you can get a feel for whether coaching might help you.
Luke Menzies
Coaching lawyers, Stress management, Resilience
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中文翻译
处理难缠客户（和对手）：父母-成人-儿童模型 — Luke Menzies 教练
欢迎来到我的教练网站。在这里，我解释我的服务、我的教练哲学以及我与谁合作。如果您想预订一次免费的化学会话，请在这里联系我。
Luke Menzies PCC, CPQC, CertPsychCoach
3月2日
3月2日 处理难缠客户（和对手）：父母-成人-儿童模型
Luke Menzies
教练律师，压力管理，韧性
基于我之前关于处理难缠客户的博客讨论，我现在想向您介绍埃里克·伯恩的父母-成人-儿童模型。
就像戏剧三角一样，父母-成人-儿童模型是一种迷人且极其有用的方式，让我们思考与他人互动时如何陷入冲突或不愉快，并更深入地理解对话“表面之下”发生了什么。这使我们能够在未来的对话中识别相同的模式再次发生，并帮助我们学会减少或避免未来重复的争论和冲突模式。
对于那些从事具有挑战性的客户/顾客面向角色的人来说，获得这种深度理解可以显著提高我们在工作中的韧性。此外，我们也可以将这些知识带回家！
伯恩的理论是，我们每个人都有三种主要的思考和回应周围世界，尤其是他人的方式。他称这些为我们的自我状态。他认为我们每个人都有三种自然的自我阶段：父母、成人和儿童。
以下是这些状态的简要介绍。
父母
我们的父母自我状态是我们说或做一些父母式事情时的心态。它可能是一种养育性的父母评论或控制性的父母评论。大多数涉及冲突的对话都涉及控制性的父母自我状态：例如，我责备你做了一些我不喜欢的事情。但如果我们发现自己屈服于不良行为，我们可能处于养育性的父母自我状态：例如，溺爱行为不良的人或让他们逃脱不合理的行为。
儿童
我们的儿童自我状态是我们说或做一些孩子气事情时的心态。它可能是一种“好孩子”的事情或“顽皮孩子”的事情。当与他人发生争执时，往往是我们的顽皮儿童自我状态在起作用。在这里，我们倾向于根据我们的需求和感受自发地行为——孩子气地。例如，生气、攻击、不服从、粗鲁、挑衅或闷闷不乐。
成人
如果我们能避免陷入父母或儿童自我状态，而是保持在成人状态，那么在冲突（或可能演变为冲突）的对话中，事情总会对我们更好。在“成人”状态中，我们可以说和做健康、冷静、成熟的事情。我们之所以能做到这一点，是因为我们没有被过于父母式的想法和感受或孩子气的反应所劫持。这就是“成人对成人对话”这个短语的由来。
当我们从儿童自我状态说话时，对话中的对方有三种选择。他们可能从他们的“父母”状态回应，常常责备我们刚才说的话。或者他们可能从他们的“儿童”状态回应，这可能用他们自己的粗鲁/愤怒/攻击/讽刺来回应我们的粗鲁/愤怒/攻击/讽刺。但是，如果我们幸运的话，他们可能能够从他们的“成人”状态回应，在这种情况下，他们设法给我们一个衡量、成熟的回应，这将缓解可能悄悄进入对话的冲突。（将成人状态想象为法官如何接近法律决定或确保审判顺利进行和公平。）
我们的解药是睁大眼睛观察在这种模型下，互动表面之下发生了什么，并尽力只从我们的“成人”自我回应，而不是从我们的“父母”或“儿童”。
以下是一些基于法律职业的例子。
客户处于儿童自我状态
律师的客户可能会以“这不公平！”的方式抱怨他们的处境。那将是他们处于儿童自我状态。作为回应，他们的律师可能会发现自己从养育性的“父母”状态回应，类似于“哦，可怜的你，我会解决一切，我会救你，别担心”。
但解决这种情况实际上可能超出律师的能力范围，导致更多的不快乐，也许最终投诉。
通常，如果律师能从他们的“成人”状态回应，可能会找到更好的回应，类似于“我认识到这对你来说是一个非常困难的情况。我向你保证我正在尽我所能，但我可能无法给你你想要的一切”。
对手处于父母自我状态
在法庭案件中，律师的对手可能在电话或信件中说类似“你完全搞错了，你不懂法律，你不知道自己在做什么，你太荒谬了”等等。这很遗憾非常常见，尽管不太专业。对手是从他们的控制性“父母”模式说话/写作。
另一位律师可能如何回应？作为人类，我们很可能最初从我们的“儿童”状态回应（即使只是在脑海中），对这种待遇感到受伤和可能生气。每个律师都经历过这种情况，尤其是在我们职业生涯早期，在我们对这种欺凌行为变得更有抵抗力之前。然后我们可能说或写一些粗鲁、攻击性或讽刺的话回来，从我们的“儿童”状态回应（这非常常见，可能导致非常昂贵的法律案件，最终只有律师“赢”）。或者我们可能从我们的控制性“父母”状态回应，责备对手的话并试图纠正（或说教）他们（再次，常常导致更多电话或信件，而我们争论不休）。
但回应这种行为最健康和最终最好的方式是从我们的“成人”状态回应，并尽力不参与对手似乎想与我们进行的小争吵。（选择你的战斗！）相反，我们可以要么回应很少（通常是一种极好的回应方式），要么只是冷静简单地陈述我们自己客户的需求或立场，然后就此打住。
我今天的亲身经历
今天，我尽力引导我的“成人”状态，当我回复一位对手律师的挑衅性电子邮件（他们想再次讨论旧论点）时，写道“我们已经阐述了我们的客户对此的立场，我们没有什么可补充的。” 我承认我的“儿童”最初在脑海中提出了一个“去你的！”回应。我只是人类。然后我注意到一个“父母”声音建议我应该回复类似“我们已经明确表示多少次了....？”但最终我的“成人”状态获胜。
正是这种认识让我今天想写这篇博客。
总结
所以，每当你处理任何涉及争论、争议或冲突（口头或书面）的情况时，试着给自己机会深呼吸，退后一步，通过父母-成人-儿童的视角看看这次互动“表面之下”发生了什么。
是否有人可以被说成是在责备或制定规则（父母）给对方？是否有人在抱怨、挑衅、攻击或粗鲁（儿童）对待对方？或者真正的成人对成人互动正在发生？
如果对方听起来有点父母式或孩子气，试着避免上钩并滑入你自己的父母或儿童模式。相反，坚持简单、冷静地陈述你的需求和立场。坚持在对话中做成人。
好消息是，扮演成人往往具有传染性。你往往会得到更多成人回应作为回报。而这正是我们所有人都想要的，真的。
如果您觉得这篇博客有用，请务必阅读我关于处理客户的其他博客：处理难缠客户：韧性的秘密，处理难缠客户：戏剧三角和处理难缠客户：戏剧三角（第2部分）。
想谈谈吗？
如果您想谈谈您自己的情况，我很乐意听到您的消息。在 www.lukemenziescoaching.com 找到我。来和我进行一次免费、无承诺的化学会话，我们可以开始为您解开一些这些内容，您可以感受教练是否可能帮助您。
Luke Menzies
教练律师，压力管理，韧性
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文章概要
本文介绍了埃里克·伯恩的父母-成人-儿童模型，这是一种沟通分析心理学理论，用于理解和处理冲突情境。文章解释了三种自我状态：父母状态（控制性或养育性）、儿童状态（孩子气或顽皮）和成人状态（冷静、成熟）。通过法律职业的例子，如客户处于儿童状态或对手处于父母状态，文章强调了在冲突解决中保持成人自我状态的重要性，以避免陷入负面循环，促进健康互动。文章鼓励读者在争论中识别自我状态，坚持成人回应，以实现更有效的沟通和减少冲突。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容：这篇文章就像教我们玩一个“大人游戏”，当我们和别人吵架时，有三种角色可以选：一种是像爸爸妈妈那样教训人，一种是像小孩子那样闹脾气，还有一种就是像真正的大人那样冷静说话。作者说，如果我们选“大人”角色，事情就会变得更好，比如律师面对难缠客户时，不哄也不骂，而是好好解释，这样大家都能开心点。
TA沟通分析心理学理论评价：这篇文章很好地应用了沟通分析心理学中的自我状态理论，特别是突出了成人自我状态在冲突解决中的核心作用。它清晰地展示了父母、成人和儿童三种自我状态如何影响人际互动，并强调了从成人状态回应可以打破冲突循环，促进理性沟通。这符合伯恩的理论框架，即健康互动依赖于成人状态的激活，避免被父母或儿童状态所主导，从而提升关系质量和问题解决效率。
在实践上可以应用的领域和可以解决人们的十个问题：1. 职场沟通：帮助员工在团队冲突中保持冷静，减少内部摩擦。2. 客户服务：使客服人员能专业应对投诉，提升客户满意度。3. 法律谈判：辅助律师在对抗性环境中维持理性，避免情绪化决策。4. 家庭关系：促进家庭成员在争吵时使用成人对话，改善亲子或夫妻互动。5. 教育领域：帮助教师管理课堂冲突，引导学生理性表达。6. 心理咨询：作为工具帮助来访者识别自我状态，增强情绪调节能力。7. 领导力发展：培训管理者在压力下保持成人状态，提高团队凝聚力。8. 销售谈判：使销售人员在客户异议中保持镇定，达成双赢协议。9. 社交媒体互动：帮助用户在在线争论中避免攻击性回复，维护网络和谐。10. 个人成长：协助个体在日常冲突中练习成人回应，提升生活幸福感。