英文原文
There’s a psychological lens that can explain why some workplace conversations flow and others derail; why some meetings energise, while others leave people defensive, withdrawn, or reactive. It’s the concept of ego states, from Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis, and it offers a powerful, practical tool for improving how we lead, collaborate, and communicate.
At its core, the ego state model explains that we operate from one of three internal states at any moment: Parent, Adult, or Child. These are not roles or personality types, they are psychological positions, and we move between them fluidly throughout the day, often without realising it.
Let’s explore how each state shows up in business, and how to work with them more deliberately.
The Three Ego States: A Practical Overview
1. The Parent
This state draws from the rules, values, and norms we internalised early in life, often from authority figures. In the workplace, it can show up in two forms:
* Critical Parent: Directive, judgemental, and often rigid. It may sound like: “That’s not how we do things here.”, * Nurturing Parent: Supportive, encouraging, but can unintentionally become rescuing. It may sound like: “Don’t worry, I’ll sort it out for you.”,
Risk: When overused, the Parent state can create dependency or fear-based compliance. Strength: When used well, it offers structure, wisdom, and protection.
2. The Adult
This is the data-driven, present-focused part of us that evaluates situations logically, seeks clarity, and makes decisions based on current reality.
It’s neutral, curious, and emotionally regulated, and it’s where we want most professional conversations to take place.
It may sound like:
“Let’s look at what’s happening and figure out the next step.”
Risk: The Adult state can become disengaged or overly analytical if disconnected from emotional context.
Strength: Essential for decision-making, problem-solving, and healthy leadership.
3. The Child
This state captures our emotional responses, creativity, and spontaneity, but also our fears, insecurities, and rebellion.
It also has two faces:
* Free Child: Curious, imaginative, and expressive. The source of innovation., * Adapted Child: Either compliant (people-pleasing) or defiant (passive-aggressive, reactive).,
It may sound like:
“I can’t believe they didn’t consult me... again.”
“What if we tried something completely different?”
Risk: The Child can derail collaboration when driven by unmet needs or fear of authority. Strength: It's a vital source of authenticity, creativity, and emotional resonance.
A Short Hero’s Journey: From Reaction to Response
Marcus was a high-performing Head of Operations; efficient, strategic, and known for “getting things done.” But his team had a problem: people walked on eggshells around him. Talented staff left. Others disengaged. The feedback from a recent engagement survey was clear: “Marcus doesn’t listen; he decides.”
At first, Marcus dismissed it. “They’re just resistant to high standards,” he told himself (a classic Critical Parent frame). But after losing yet another capable team member, he agreed to coaching.
Through that process, Marcus began to recognise a pattern: whenever pressure spiked, he reverted to control. His tone became sharper. His tolerance for ambiguity vanished. What looked like leadership was, in reality, a reactive blend of Critical Parent and Adapted Child; an internal battle between wanting control and fearing chaos.
The turning point came in a product crisis. Instead of giving orders, he paused. He asked questions. He acknowledged the team’s stress and focused on facts. For the first time, his team saw him lead from his Adult state; calm, curious, collaborative.
Afterward, someone quietly said, “You gave us space to think this time. It made all the difference.”
Marcus underwent a transformation: from authority figure to responsive leader. And that made all the difference.
Practical Steps to Work with Ego States
1. Increase Awareness
Start noticing not just what is being said, but how it’s being said. Is the tone directive, inquisitive, emotional, withdrawn?
Ask yourself:
* “Which ego state is speaking right now?”, * “What state am I responding from?”,
This alone can defuse tension and bring clarity.
2. Choose to Lead from the Adult
As a leader, your goal should be to model the Adult ego state; grounded, responsive, and present. This doesn’t mean being emotionally flat; it means balancing empathy with clarity, and curiosity with action.
Responding from the Adult State invites others to meet you there.
3. Identify Triggers and Patterns
Ego state shifts are often triggered under stress, uncertainty, or conflict.
Ask:
* “When do I tend to slip into Critical Parent or Adapted Child?”, * “Who or what tends to pull me out of my Adult state?”,
Identifying these patterns helps you build self-regulation and resilience; essential traits for high-trust leadership.
4. Develop Team Literacy
Helping your team understand ego states can reduce blame and increase insight. Teams that learn to observe how they’re interacting, not just what they’re doing, tend to self-correct faster, engage more openly, and recover more quickly from breakdowns.
Closing Reflection for the Week
As you enter your next conversation, especially the tricky ones, ask:
“Am I responding from Parent, Adult, or Child?”
And then pause to choose. Awareness of ego states makes you a better collaborator, coach, and human being.
Let me know in the comments; which ego state do you find yourself operating from most often at work? And what helps you shift into Adult when it matters most?
中文翻译
有一种心理学视角可以解释为什么有些职场对话顺畅而有些却脱轨；为什么有些会议充满活力，而有些却让人变得防御、退缩或反应过度。这就是自我状态的概念，源自埃里克·伯恩的沟通分析心理学，它为我们改善领导、协作和沟通方式提供了强大而实用的工具。
自我状态模型的核心解释是，我们在任何时刻都处于三种内在状态之一：父母、成人或儿童。这些不是角色或人格类型，而是心理位置，我们会在一天中流畅地在它们之间切换，通常自己都没有意识到。
让我们探讨每种状态在商业中的表现，以及如何更有意识地运用它们。
三种自我状态：实用概述
1. 父母状态
这种状态源于我们早年从权威人物那里内化的规则、价值观和规范。在职场上，它可以表现为两种形式：
* 批判型父母：指令性、评判性且往往僵化。听起来可能是：“我们这里不这样做。” * 养育型父母：支持性、鼓励性，但可能无意中变成拯救者。听起来可能是：“别担心，我会帮你解决。”
风险：过度使用时，父母状态可能导致依赖或基于恐惧的顺从。优势：运用得当，它能提供结构、智慧和保护。
2. 成人状态
这是我们基于数据、关注当下的部分，它逻辑地评估情况，寻求清晰度，并根据当前现实做出决策。
它是中立、好奇且情绪稳定的，我们希望大多数专业对话在这里进行。
听起来可能是：
“让我们看看发生了什么，然后决定下一步。”
风险：如果脱离情感背景，成人状态可能变得疏离或过度分析。优势：对于决策、问题解决和健康领导至关重要。
3. 儿童状态
这种状态捕捉了我们的情感反应、创造力和自发性，但也包括我们的恐惧、不安全感和叛逆。
它也有两面：
* 自由儿童：好奇、富有想象力和表达力。创新的源泉。 * 适应儿童：要么顺从（讨好他人），要么反抗（被动攻击、反应性）。
听起来可能是：
“我不敢相信他们又没有咨询我……”
“如果我们尝试完全不同的东西会怎样？”
风险：当儿童状态由未满足的需求或对权威的恐惧驱动时，可能破坏协作。优势：它是真实性、创造力和情感共鸣的重要来源。
一个简短的英雄之旅：从反应到回应
马库斯是一位高效的运营主管；高效、战略性强，以“完成任务”著称。但他的团队有个问题：人们在他面前如履薄冰。有才华的员工离职了。其他人则变得疏离。最近一次敬业度调查的反馈很明确：“马库斯不听；他决定。”
起初，马库斯不以为然。“他们只是抗拒高标准，”他告诉自己（典型的批判型父母框架）。但在又失去一位能干的团队成员后，他同意接受教练辅导。
通过这个过程，马库斯开始认识到一个模式：每当压力飙升时，他就会回归控制。他的语气变得尖锐。他对模糊性的容忍度消失了。看似领导力的东西，实际上是批判型父母和适应儿童的混合反应；是想要控制和害怕混乱之间的内心斗争。
转折点出现在一次产品危机中。他没有下达命令，而是暂停了。他提出问题。他承认团队的压力，并专注于事实。第一次，他的团队看到他以成人状态领导；冷静、好奇、协作。
之后，有人轻声说：“这次你给了我们思考的空间。这改变了一切。”
马库斯经历了一次转变：从权威人物到回应型领导者。这改变了一切。
运用自我状态的实用步骤
1. 提高意识
开始注意不仅说了什么，还有怎么说。语气是指令性、探究性、情感性还是退缩性？
问自己：
* “现在哪个自我状态在说话？” * “我正从哪个状态回应？”
仅此一点就能缓解紧张并带来清晰度。
2. 选择从成人状态领导
作为领导者，你的目标应该是示范成人自我状态；接地气、回应性强且专注当下。这并不意味着情感平淡；而是平衡同理心与清晰度，好奇心与行动。
从成人状态回应邀请他人与你相遇。
3. 识别触发因素和模式
自我状态的转变通常在压力、不确定性或冲突下触发。
问：
* “我什么时候容易滑入批判型父母或适应儿童？” * “谁或什么容易把我拉出成人状态？”
识别这些模式有助于你建立自我调节和韧性；这是高信任领导力的关键特质。
4. 发展团队素养
帮助团队理解自我状态可以减少指责并增加洞察力。学会观察他们如何互动而不仅仅是做什么的团队，往往能更快自我纠正、更开放地参与，并从崩溃中更快恢复。
本周结束反思
当你进入下一次对话，尤其是棘手的对话时，问：
“我正从父母、成人还是儿童状态回应？”
然后暂停选择。对自我状态的意识让你成为更好的协作者、教练和人。
在评论中告诉我；你在工作中最常从哪个自我状态运作？什么能帮助你在最关键时切换到成人状态？
文章概要
本文基于沟通分析心理学理论，探讨了自我状态（父母、成人、儿童）在职场中的应用，特别聚焦于成人自我状态如何管理冲突。文章通过理论概述和案例研究，解释了三种自我状态的特点、风险和优势，并以马库斯的转变为例，展示了从反应性状态转向成人状态如何改善领导力和团队协作。文章还提供了实用步骤，如提高意识、选择成人领导、识别触发因素和发展团队素养，以帮助读者在工作中更有效地运用自我状态，化解冲突，提升沟通效能。
高德明老师的评价
用12岁初中生可以听懂的语音来重复翻译的内容：这篇文章讲的是，我们在工作的时候，心里有三种不同的状态，就像三个小人儿。一个是“父母小人儿”，喜欢管人或者照顾人；一个是“成人小人儿”，很冷静，会讲道理；一个是“儿童小人儿”，会闹情绪或者有创意。文章说，当工作中有吵架或不开心时，如果我们能像“成人小人儿”一样，好好说话、听别人讲，就能解决问题，让团队更团结。就像故事里的马库斯，他以前总是命令别人，大家很怕他，后来他学会冷静下来，问问题，大家就愿意和他一起工作了。
TA沟通分析心理学理论评价：本文精准地应用了沟通分析心理学的自我状态理论，深入浅出地阐述了父母、成人、儿童三种状态在职场环境中的动态表现。文章不仅理论阐述清晰，还通过马库斯的案例生动展示了从批判型父母和适应儿童状态向成人状态的转变过程，这完全符合沟通分析心理学中“从脚本到自主”的核心理念。文章强调成人状态在冲突管理中的关键作用，突出了其基于现实、逻辑和情感调节的特点，这正是沟通分析心理学倡导的健康沟通模式。这种聚焦于状态识别和选择的视角，有助于读者理解人际互动中的心理动力，促进自我觉察和关系改善。
在实践上可以应用的领域和可以解决人们的十个问题：本文的实践应用领域广泛，主要涵盖职场领导力、团队协作、冲突管理和个人发展。基于成人自我状态的管理，可以解决人们的十个问题：1. 减少职场中的防御性和退缩行为，促进开放沟通；2. 化解团队冲突，避免指责和对抗；3. 提升领导者的情绪调节能力，在压力下保持冷静；4. 改善会议效率，从情绪化讨论转向事实导向；5. 增强团队信任，通过成人互动建立安全感；6. 降低员工离职率，通过尊重性沟通提高敬业度；7. 激发创新，平衡成人逻辑与儿童创造力；8. 帮助个人识别工作压力下的自动反应模式；9. 促进跨部门协作，减少因不同自我状态引发的误解；10. 支持职业发展，培养基于成人状态的决策和问题解决技能。这些应用都根植于沟通分析心理学理论，通过状态觉察和选择来实现积极改变。